The serenity prayer

His violent mood swings and compulsive behaviors were just facets of his personality. She never doubted the fact that something was clearly wrong, she simply didn’t know how to label the problem. He was angry, abusive, and depressed, but even this could not possibly explain his behavior or his attitude. Her preconceptions of his personality were painstakingly distorted, never attributing his irrational behavior to having an “illness.”

The pounding of his footsteps awakened in her a powerful resentment. She wanted to hate him with every morsel, every fiber of her being, but found she could not. What good had he done for her? In all the years she can remember of him, what good had he ever done at all? He didn’t deserve her love; he didn’t deserve whatever goodness she had left to offer.

She can hear his voice ringing in her ears as a thundering roar, full of anger and selfishness. The very sound of his presence disturbs the stillness that was once so favorably in the air. She hears him even when he does not speak, when he does not yell, when he does not snarl. She hears his empty promises even when he does not speak them.

In her brother’s mind, a promise was merely a word; it has no substance or meaning; it is simply strung together to form a useless, obligatory sound. She asked him once before if he had quit, he said that he had. She didn’t believe him. She asked him to promise, and he does. She feels relieved and only God knows why. His promises are just as illegitimate as the first words that she knew to be lies. Why should one word make the difference between truth and deceit?

It should, but for him, it wouldn’t.

Broken promises are his niche, his speciality, his comfort zone because to him, this isn’t what they are at all. To him, they are words; just words. He doesn’t know that the lies entangled in his words strangle and suffocate her. She is left gasping for air and only until she submits to ignorance is she set free to breathe again.

“Ignorance is bliss.” She understands now.

Sometimes she wishes she didn’t know everything that went on in his life. She didn’t always want to find out about the mistakes, the drug deals, the drunken tirades, thievery, and vandalism. As though not knowing would make life easier for her somehow. As though not knowing would make everything untrue. If she didn’t hear about it, then maybe it didn’t exist. Maybe for once, his promises were real.

But, she always hears the truth and though she does, she would love to hear it be proven wrong. She would love to hear and believe that truth be contradicted, falsified, rumored, and erased. She will never escape the truth and she will never escape his lies.

In fact, her greatest fear is not that she will never escape him; her greatest fear is that some day she will finally try.

After her brother was arrested and sent to prison for three years for possession, she blamed herself for never being able to help him. Afraid that she could have done more to support him, or keep him out of trouble, she visited him in prison as often as she was able and allowed. Unfortunately, her brother never changed. He never treated her any different. He never appreciated her visits. He never stopped emotionally abusing her.

After a time, she stopped visiting. She began to understand that no matter how much she tried to help him, she would never be able to until he wanted to change. She could love him and pray for him, and that was all. She could do no more.

She eventually had the serenity prayer tattooed on the right side of her back.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”